Conflict Survival Guide

1) Calm it Before Bomb it

Being angry is like being drunk or high.

If you can't think, you can't imagine or understand the other person's perspective.

Try box breathing, naming sensations or other techniques to calm yourself down.

2) Find a Shared Goal

Most of time, our secret goals in conflict are to be right or prove them wrong.

If we're both holding those goals, the conflict will only get worse. Who wants to lose?

Find a goal both people can agree on, like connection, repair or working together effectively.

3) Let the Other Win

... just a little. If we can never be right, we'll always feel in the wrong.

Find one point you can acknowledge the other person for. Try phrases like "I don't agree with all of this, but you're right about..." and "I see how you might feel...".

4) Take a Break

You can take a break for 10 minutes or a whole day. Just let the other person know how long you need to step away for.

5) Orient towards Resolution

Often we continue conflicts endlessly, because we don't know how or where they should end. Don't search for resolution to emotions that may never be resolved - "feeling better" is not a clear goal.

Orient the conversation with questions like "How can we resolve this in the next 10 minutes?" and "What would it take to find a resolution we both agree with?"